She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
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I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
pray to the hookup gods
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Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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