Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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