alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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