my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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