Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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