I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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