dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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