I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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