I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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