i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize