Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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