I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
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I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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