i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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