dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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