since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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