I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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