So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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