Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
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My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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