he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize