So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
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Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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