party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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