I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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