my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize