My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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