I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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