Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize