Cold hands, warm shart.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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