Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
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I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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