remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
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I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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