I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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