dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
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In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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