I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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