Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
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Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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