she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
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my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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