My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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