i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize