You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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