i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize