also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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