I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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