guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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