took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
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Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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