if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize