if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize