That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
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Thank you for not boning my boss.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize