PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize