party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
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I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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