Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
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I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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