life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
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His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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