The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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